now what?

it’s probably the lack of hormone-controlling pills I’m taking right now, but i’m listening to Lorde and Ed Sheeran right now on Youtube. I’m on my 3rd.. or 4th heavily-handed gin and soda, and i’m talking to my ex.

In recent months it’s occurred to me that, while my ego says i’m super awesome, the very real possibility exists that it’s going to be either impossible, or very difficult that I find a suitable mate. That really hits you where you didn’t think it would, you know? Especially as a female that thought she’d have 4 kids. It’s actually gotten to the point where.. how can one even think about kids when you can’t even imagine oneself being happy, finally with someone?

I’m definitely having an emo-day… I’m also at a point where i feel.. I’ve either reached my peak, or I’ve hit a lull.

The hardest part is figuring out which one it is. If i’ve hit my peak, i don’t know if i can continue. If i’ve hit a lull, I don’t know how much longer I can stand it because I haven’t been truly happy since 2012.

I remember at the end of 2012, thinking to myself, I could die this new year’s eve, and have no regrets on my death bed.

It’s probably better to leave this world on a high note than a low one.

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Living alone vs living with an s/o

My life as living as a single consists of doing whatever the hell i want. It’s lovely, it’s liberating, it’s independent as fuck and can be lonely too.

I come and go as i want; I can buy groceries if i feel like it to cook or i can get take out. I pretty much only have to worry about how my places looks like if i have guests coming over. I can come home at any time of the night, or not at all if it so pleases me. I walk around naked, i sleep naked, i bought curtains because i like to prance about in my skivvies.

It’s lonely. Yes.. that’s probably why I impulse-bought a bird; to keep me company, to keep me sane, to give myself some sense of responsibility.

He used to live with me. He lived with me for almost a year. It was so nice having a warm body to cozy up to at night, to have someone to cook for/with, to chat with til the late hours of the night.

I had more reasons to cook, to come home instead of going out frolicking, to make sure i cleaned up more: to see him.

Being in a relationship is like the opposite of growing for me – I just want to become a homebody and stay in and be a housewife. Well not a housewife, but one that works. I want to be domesticated. Otherwise I’m going to want to go out and get myself in all sorts of trouble.

this post is a load of bullcrap.

Aftermath

It’s weird how open i was to telling everyone what happened. Then it became weird that I was, after a mere week, on the up and up. Then it became really weird that I was handling the whole situation with such calm of mind.

Maybe it was the culmination of my heart finally catching up to what my brain had known for a while. maybe it was the fact that work was getting busy and i had already wasted a week weeping at my desk, unable to concentrate on anything but the pure raw emotion of betrayal, hurt and rejection.

It’s almost been a month from when i found out with certainty he’d been cheating.

A lot of emotions and feelings and thoughts have gone through me since then. A lot of hurt, then a lot of anger, then a boat load of pity, and then this weird acceptance.

I don’t know why i’ve allowed myself to be so calm these weeks. The last couple of times we met, i would try to calmly talk about things, and he would meet my words with anger. He told me his anger was the only way he knew how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to react, so the conversation just fizzled.

Now, after these weeks, I plan to meet again with him and let him know that i can’t forgive him. There are so many reasons why, above all, the fact that the betrayal was so unbelievably disrespectful because i had seen it coming, and i had specifically asked him to break up with me if he was to ever think about cheating.

But another thing, is the fact that i have not seen anything that would suggest that he felt bad for the way he’s made me feel. That he regrets hurting me so hard. That he regrets that he’s losing something I tried so hard to nourish and grow. I have not seen an inkling that he’s tried to change his ways, or that he is seeking to try and make SOME effort to cheer me up or mend my heart.

Actions speak much louder than words, and the silence is the loudest one of all.

I don’t know why I still want to see him and talk to him, as my heart grows colder and harder each day.

1.5 years

historically, the majority of my relationships ended around this time.

this is my 5th 1.5-year long relationship.. and i’m beginning to wonder if i’m just dating shitty people, or if i’m being too picky.

either way, 1.5 years looms.

every time i get into a relationship, i have illusions of romance and chivalry, and every single, fucking time, i’m disappointed. that’s because i always go for the guys that are way too sure of themselves, that reek of confidence to the point of cockiness. the guys that are a thrill to be with in the beginning, but once the outer glaze is worn off, you see … well what lies beneath.

i’m tired of always feeling like i’m more invested. i’m tired of always being the one to do *something nice* for the other. most of all, i’m tired of being so insecure. i’m tired of being made to feel so insecure.

met up with old friends from high school. friends i haven’t seen since high school. the reminiscing brought back a lot of memories and feelings. memories of when i used to feel important and treasured. i’ve gotten so used to being left by the wayside that i think my self-importance is at an all time low.

maybe this is another toxic relationship i need to move on from. i can’t justify being made to feel so insecure and then not being reassured that my fears are far from true.

it hurts and i am at pains to admit to it, but i don’t know how much longer i can do this for.

Everything is eventual

almost the last day of 2014, it is. so glad to be rid of it. although it wasn’t a terrible year, it didn’t stand out or leave any lasting memories either. this job i’m at, it’s not good for my personality. it’s weighing me down, aging me, and making me think like an older, uncool person too.

everyone annoys me, and it seems that no one does what they *should* do. that’s probably very idealistic for me to say, but it just feels that way to me. i tell myself time and time again to not have any expectations of anyone, but i can’t help it.

you do something for someone and hope that maybe they’ll reciprocate, and when they don’t, you feel so forlorn and insignificant, as if they don’t care, but that’s just the extrovert in me crying. i want to be a self-sufficient entity because people disappoint me so much.

2014 was a year i don’t have any feelings for.

insecurities

I’ve never been the type to be insecure about the men i date (interestingly enough) because i always dated guys who, other than kind of being jackasses sometimes, have for the overwhelming majority, been monogamous.

I’m getting the crazy shakes with this man though. I don’t know what it is – him basically unofficially moving into my pad, or us being around each other pretty much all the time we’re not at work, or his free-spirited lifestyle (not that he was a manwhore.. i’ve dealt with those before and didn’t have problems with that)..

But he’s only gone away for a couple of days and i’m getting to be a level 8 clinger internally.. If he doesn’t text back within an hour what does that mean? He says he’s NOT drinking – how is that possible?? He hasn’t messaged me since last night to say good morning – WHAT IS HE REALLY DOING?!

I don’t get it. I don’t like it either. Maybe it’s because this time i’m way more invested.. and it’s not really a question of whether we end up together.. but more like, okay is this going to still be okay with me 5 yrs down the road.

scary innit? I don’t want to be at this point of my life but it’s like the old person logic in me’s started to kick in and is forcing me to be responsible and plan a future, a viable future… a freaking nest.

*insert .gif of Taylor Swift in any portion of “Shake it Off”.

just a dark post

This actually has nothing to do with dating, but I needed to air out some thoughts. I’m one of those people that is very much at peace with herself, because I find outlets. Whether it’s my friends, my blog, or my facebook (ha, just kidding, that’s what twitter’s for, right?) I find a way to “cleanse” myself of thoughts that would otherwise plague my mind.

Over the years I’ve found out the right and wrong ways to air things out, and I think through trial and error, I’ve managed to figure out which thoughts are best to keep to myself. This is important.

Anyway, what I need to air out is something that no one can help me with, and I’m fully aware of that. It concerns me because it involves a person  actively thinking I do things, mean, cruel, hurtful things to them on purpose… and that I achieve some sort of satisfaction, or pleasure out of it. On top of that, this is not something that has been marinating in their mind for a short while- in fact, it’s been building up for years and years. We’ve never had a very tight bond.

9 months ago, we had a conversation… and the circumstances and words exchanged were interpreted in different ways. While I left it at its face value, and actually since then have been, of my own accord, trying to work on whatever relationship we have, they saw it completely differently and had been holding it inside and let it slowly and surely fester to a point where when I brought up a general question recently “what’s wrong?” the floodgates were veritably opened and I was let known of just how downhill the situation had become.

It basically came down to, there will probably no longer be a relationship moving forward, and it was all my fault.

While, honestly not surprised, not really hurt, not really anything, I guess more than anything I’m further convinced that the worst things anyone can do – to assume things, to not be able to see things from someone else’s perspective, and to believe you’re entitled to anything- can be found in the people that are supposed to be closest to you.

Probably the one thing that remains seared into my brain is the fact that they wanted to hurt me, or rather, were glad when they thought they hurt me, because I would never be able to ‘understand’ how I had hurt them. Revenge is the path they chose, and they’re going to walk it alone, because I will not tolerate that shit.

But I can’t help feeling angry that they admitted to being happy that I was hurt.. and now I also feel that it’s wrong to be angry, because that’s what they want.

Anyway, boys and girls – it’s wrong to let things get all pent up inside, because i’ve known a few people in my life that have done that and in the end, when the situation was finally being *dealt* with, there was literally nothing I could say in my own defense to change the way they felt because they had already made up their mind long before.

Associations

The older I get..  The more experienced in life I become, the more I am continually amazed at just how important associations with people can be. Then, I remember how scary your associations can become. Sometimes I would like to forget some of my less-than-stellar associations. 

When you think about it though, how many people have touched your life in some fashion? Then, to boggle your mind, how many lives have you touched? 

In my life, my associations with people are thanks to my big mouth welcoming and open personality. I have managed to make friends(and frenemies, and of course, enemies) everywhere I go. Some people have come into my world like a hurricane and turned it upside-down, whether for better or worse, and then disappeared, just as swiftly (and vice versa!). Some have remained in my life, like the coffee stain you just can’t wash out of your best dress shirt. Just kidding. My best dress shirt would never have a stain on it. 

What I mean to say at the end of all this, is that there have been times that a random association that I would never think twice about, somehow would turn into an opportunity, or a point of contention, or even a point of conversation. Examples are to follow:

1. at my first “real” job (corporate, 9-5, benefits, coffee room), in a call centre, I managed somehow to, after 3 years, keep in touch with one of my clients, based solely on the fact that my big mouth welcoming personality ensured I stood out to my client. She got in touch with me when I was down in a rut looking for a job, not once, but twice, and literally helped me turn my career around. 

2. throughout elementary, middle and high school, I was a social butterfly, befriending everyone from the coolest of the cool, to the nerdiest of the pack. Somehow, I managed to fit into each of those groups at will. I had a lot of best friends; I am inherently a caring person and if you have a problem, I will sit with you through the night if you need a shoulder to cry on. Fast forward to present where due to my multiple friendships, I can now carry conversations about .. just about anything. People bring up old classmates, and guaranteed I will have known/hung out with/been best friends with someone mentioned. 

3. I blogged a lot in my youth and made a lot of virtual friends, who have in turn, taken care of me while I traveled the world. Whether it was taking me out during my one night in Singapore, or bringing me to the coolest speak easy in NYC, or even how to have a proper rum and coke (hint: one hand has a bottle of Jack Daniels, and the other has a bottle of coke) in Tennessee, I’ve been so lucky to have made friends with people who have expanded my experiences on Earth. 

There are countless other *perchance* happenings due to random (or so I think) associations, but it just goes to show that if you really want to experience life, and all it has to offer, you really have to open yourself up to the opportunity. Opportunities are always around you, it’s just up to you to open your mind up to actually see them. 

After all’s said and done, my big mouth really has helped me out throughout the years. 

Transition period

So the whole point, of online dating, was to meet someone.

How is it possible that when you’re chasing something (maybe not actively, but when you do the dates and the messages and the conversations and the back and forth so many times, it becomes something that  you need to perfect, like a challenge), and you suddenly get what you were chasing, you look at it, pleased with yourself, but then you don’t know what to do with it?

I’ve met someone, yes. We’re compatible, yes. In fact, we bounce off each other very well. He thinks I’m adorable, I think he’s a lot softer than he gives off. We get along very well and we aren’t sick of each other after spending a LOT of time together.

Why is it that I’m feeling so ready-to-jump-ship? Not in the way where I’m furtively looking at other men or secretly checking my OKC/Tinder messages. Just, If it were to fall apart tomorrow, I feel like my reaction would be along the lines of “well phooey, but let’s go see what other boys there are to play with”.

It’s funny, mostly because out of my group of friends, I think I’m one of the few that is really looking forward to being a mother. I want like 4 kids. *Eventually*, but I do. I figure a lot of single women who feel this way would be panicking and ready to just jump on any man who will fulfill this dream.

Not me. I’ve always had high expectations. Well, maybe not back in high school. The idea of “settling” scares me more than the term “single”. Maybe I have a bit of the #FOMO fever. Fear of missing out. Is this as good as it gets?

(I also think that’s a stupid idea)

I learned not to let these things keep me up at night, because me and my brain, we’re pretty well-acquainted with each other. I just dropped by to post because I’ve been having a LOT of dreams lately (none have been good ones btw) and that is very not-normal for me.

Especially when the last dream was about me getting kidnapped because of my stupid friends (literally, they were textbook stupid), and then while getting kidnapped, having the thought in my head “I can’t BELIEVE I let myself get kidnapped”. Almost like a warning, that my brain doesn’t agree with something I’m doing right now. but see, I’m doing that over-analyzing thing again.

So mostly, this was just to air out some thoughts.

Sharing dates

One problem with being friends with multiple OKC/Tinder/POF users, is that, even in a pool of candidates thousands upon thousands of men strong, when you narrow it down, your group of friends is, by and large, going to have similar interests.

Whether it be age, ethnicity, location, height, blah blah blah.. there are bound to be a few things similar between yourself and your friends.

Even though I’m a girl, I don’t tell ALL my girlfriends about ALL my dates.

So what’s the possibility that a friends will happen upon someone you may have chatted up? Very, blimey, high.

It has gotten to the point where my friends and I will exchange photos of new *date potentials* and compare if anyone else has spoken to them. This is not a la LuLu App where we use other people’s information to be a judge of character.

Myself, I chose to meet new people through these online dating sites in order to avoid dating people in my mutual circles of friends. I hate it when other people ruin new people for me.

Back to what I was saying – We compare pictures and user names because we don’t want to be stepping on each other’s toes. Or men. I’ll say this though – If the date was THAT unenjoyable, I might have to throw in a caution or two.

But it’s bound to happen. Say you go on a date with someone who has gone on a date with one of your girlfriends. Do you bring them up? Do you keep that knowledge a secret? What if you start to go steady (who uses that term anymore??) and you introduce him to your friends.. will it be more awkward if you tell him then that you know about the date or is it something that shouldn’t be awkward anymore? Dating etiquette is a messy, messy thing.

Final level of awkwardness, when a mutual friend of whom I know in the real world, who has dated my friend, and knows that I’m friends with her, still comes and talks to me, with the interest of garnering a date. It sounds a bit childish but the way I see it is – I came into this world to meet people none of my friends have known, so if you knowingly are asking me for a date after dating another one of my friends, it’s like a weird sort of incest.

Moral of the story is – it’s a small world out there, and the 6-degrees of separation are something of lore nowadays.